Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
