very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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