Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
