Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
