Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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