halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
