i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
