Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
