totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
