i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
