Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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