Moan for me like Helen Keller
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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