I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
