I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
