about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
