Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize