I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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