just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
