wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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