i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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