I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
