His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
