and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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