so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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