I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize