Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
