The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
