I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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