Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
