A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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