I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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