There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
