i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
