tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
