Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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