Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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