I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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