??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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