Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
