Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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