I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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