I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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