Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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