For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He shit in the fireplace
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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