Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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