How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
