Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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