Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Will you blow on my dice?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
