The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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