Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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