You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
