Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize