omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
