We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
