Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
