Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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