WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
