i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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