Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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