My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
