Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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