you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
